Our Kindergartener

A few weeks ago Layne and I enjoyed a dinner date together at the Olive Garden.  The place was packed and a little crazy.  There were a few tables with some adorable toddlers.  Layne loves babies and is always flirting with them.  Then amid all the loud chatter in the restaurant he stopped and looked at me and asked, “How old would our baby be if we hadn't lost it?”  I had to stop and think for a minute. Life tends to be a roller coaster that we get on and just hang on for dear life.  And in the mean time we lose track of where we are even at.  When I was younger I always used to think it was crazy when “older” people used to lose track of how old they were.  I couldn't imagine how that was possible.  How hard is it to remember how old you are?  Well I caught myself doing that the other day.  “Am I 44 or 45?”  Ugghhhh….

So we stopped and did the math.  And yes, we would have been sending our baby off to kindergarten this year.  Wow!  At that point I started giving it some more thought and realized that I didn't start blogging until 2009.  So the first two years of our marriage really hasn't been documented.  I find myself trying to go back and remember the details and they are already becoming a little fuzzy.  So I thought I better get some if it down in writing.

Our church leaders tell us it is important to share not only the good times, but the hard times as well, so that our posterity can see that we came through the hard times as well.  And I think this is an important part of our history.  I started to try to write it all down when I remembered that I had actually written about it when it happened and found this journal entry I had made. So I have decided to share it so that my family will be able to remember this time of our life.

January 31, 2008

The past few months have been crazy and eventful so I thought I should get it written down.

In October Layne and I decided that if we were going to have a baby that we should probably get on it before we got any older.  We both feel pretty overwhelmed with life right now.  We just got married in May and we are in the process of building a new home.  I have taken on the task of being a full time wife and mother to three children as well as taking care of my parents.  But we felt that we didn’t want to have regrets later for not doing it.  So we decided we would give it a year to happen.  If it didn’t then we would be happy with the family that we have.  To be honest, Layne was already happy with the number of kids we have.  But he was smart enough to know that if he didn't give me the opportunity to have one of my own that I might hold it against him later.  

On December 14^th I took a pregnancy test that was positive.  I was immediately excited and wanted to tell someone.  We were on our way to Arizona in a few days.  My parents were unable to go because my Dad was having heart problems.  We already had our tickets so Layne and the kids and I decided to go anyway.  I thought it would be the perfect Christmas surprise for Layne.  So it was tough to keep it a secret.   But he is way too smart.  He started noticing how tired I was, and a little grumpy.  Although I feel like I have been tired ever since we got married.  He kept asking and I kept evading the question.  Finally on December 18^th while we were in Arizona, he took me out to dinner alone and I gave him a copy of the book, “What to Expect When you are Expecting.” 

As we went to bed that night Layne was quiet and I noticed he had tears in his eyes.  I asked what was wrong.  He said he was worried that I would love my baby more than his kids.  Talk about being deflated.  I had been so excited and didn't know what to say.  Of course I would love my own baby.  But I had already been parenting his kids since before we were even married.  I was a little offended he would even think that.  But I knew it was a natural thought and I reassured him that I loved his kids like they were my own already.

 Over the next few weeks I was reading everything I could about pregnancy.  But I really wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms, other than being tired.  I didn't have any morning sickness or any other negative effects.  

Layne wanted to tell the kids right away.  I told him we had to wait until Valentine’s day, just in case something happened.   He told me I was in charge but he thought there was no way I would be able to wait that long.  Through the next month I became much grumpier and short tempered.  The kids didn’t know what was going on and Layne didn’t know how to explain it to them.  I had a doctors appointment scheduled for January 23^rd.  I decided if everything was okay that we would tell them for Karlee’s birthday on January 29^th.    She had been asking for a baby sister and I had been telling her to keep wishing and hoping. 

Even Layne’s ex-wife, Brandi, put in her two cents about it.  She called one day and said, “Val, you probably aren’t going to want to hear this from the ex-wife, but I  think you and Layne should have a baby.”  She said that Layne is so good with babies, and she met my nephew Jon Garling who is so cute.  She thought we would have beautiful kids.   I told her that I would add her to the list of people who had been telling me we should have a baby.  I thought it was quite funny that I was already pregnant when she gave this advice.

On January 23^rd I was headed to my first OB appointment with Dr. Barbara Nelson.  I was driving from my parents home down 21^st Street when the tire of my van hit a rut in the road wrong and the slick ice spun me around 180 degrees and I started to slide off the road.  The side of the road dropped off down into a field and it was deep soft snow.  As I came to a stop the van started to tip and ended up on its top.  I had my seat belt on and was hanging there thinking, “great, this is really bad timing.  I’m going to be late for my appointment.”  I unbuckled my seat belt and was able to open the door and climb out.  I wasn't hurt at all luckily.  There was already someone who has stopped and called the police.  I called my Dad and he brought his van down so that I could go to my appointment.  Thank heaven for cell phones!

I made it to my appointment about thirty minutes late.  I was a little frazzled, obviously. The nurse took me back and the first thing she did was give me an ultra sound.  She didn't say much which was a little suspicious to me.  When she was done she just said, “Well, let’s go talk to Dr. Nelson.”  This didn't sound good to me.  I looked at the screen she had been typing on and it said, “No cardiac found.  Abnormal shape.”    I couldn't believe it.  I was so excited for my first appointment and was looking forward to making my announcement to everyone and it was all crashing in.  The next nurse looked at my chart and said, “Well, let’s not be too concerned.  You might not be as far along as you think.  That might be why we don’t see a heart flutter.  I still was not very encouraged.  The previous week I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong.  A lot of my symptoms seemed to be going away.  My breast weren't tender anymore.  And I thought that was supposed to last for the first trimester. 

Next, Dr. Nelson came in and asked how married life was.  I told her it was great but crazy becoming the instant mom to three kids.  Her next statement, with the copy of the ultrasound in her hand was, “Well, half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and it is usually chromosome related.”  I started crying and told her I had had a hard day already since I had been in that accident.  She said, “I know that is not what you want to hear when you have been waiting for twenty years to get pregnant.”  She said for the next pregnancy we could check earlier in the pregnancy to see if we need to supplement the hormones, or something like that.  By this time my head was spinning.  She told me they would take a blood test to be sure.   And then I would need to come in a couple of days later for another blood test to compare. 

I was really disappointed about the way they handled the whole situation.  I know they deal with this all day every day.  But this was a first for me.  Everyone just assumed that I knew what was going on.  If I hadn't read what I did on the computer screen I would have had no idea that there was a problem.  The first nurse didn't say a word.  The second nurse assumed I knew there wasn't a heart beat.  And then the doctor assumed I knew everything and just launched in with, “so sad, too bad.”  I felt it would have been better if she said, “Val, the ultrasound didn't show a heartbeat and the shape is abnormal so we feel this is not a viable pregnancy.”  Instead I had to read all of that between the lines. 

I went in the next day and had my blood drawn again.  On Friday, January 25^th they confirmed that my hormone levels were decreasing instead of increasing like they should in a normal pregnancy.  The nurse told me that in the next week or two nature would take its course and I would miscarry the baby.  Then she said, “I guess it was that accident you had.”  My jaw dropped.  I since knew that the fetus was not normal and therefore the pregnancy wasn’t valid.  It had nothing to do with the accident, but what an insensitive thing to say to a woman.  To insinuate that if I that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be losing my baby.  I was so tempted to write a letter to the office pointing out that they may want to have a sensitivity training seminar.  But knew it would probably be a waste of time.   Needless to say I went to a different doctor for future visits. 

Needless to say it was an emotional day.  I knew that I needed to tell the kids.  I need to explain why I had been so grumpy and short tempered for the past month or more.  So that night Layne and I sat down with them and explained it.  They were disappointed by very understanding.  Their first question was if we were going to try again.  I asked them if they could stand to live with me being so crazy.  They told me they had survived it that far.  They were really excited about the prospects of a new baby in our home.  So we will see what the Lord has in store for us. 

It was amazing how much calmer and happier I felt after that.  It was like I could feel my hormones normalizing again.  When I was in the middle of it I didn’t really realize that is what it was.  But Layne let me know that he noticed it ever since I got off the birth control.  So I felt bad that I had turned into such a hard person to be around.

The rest of the weekend went really well.  Then on Monday morning I felt agitated and irritated again.  I felt like something was boiling inside of me and that if anyone crossed me I would rip their head off.  At the same time I was very emotional.   We learned the night before on January 27^th that our beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinkley, had died.  I felt happy for him to have been released from a great life of service and to be with his wife again.  But whenever something came on the news about him I started crying. 

That afternoon Layne and Tanner and I had a meeting with the Freemont County prosecutor about a disturbing the peace complaint against Tanner that we have been dealing with since October.  I will cover this in another entry.  But based on the way I was feeling that day I really shouldn't have gone.  This was the third different prosecutor we had met with and the fourth time we had taken off work to be there.  I made several comments that she returned with a very condescending response.  I was fuming and walked away so as not to make things worse for Tanner.  Then I walked back determined to just sit and listen.  But then she made the comment that she had tried to get a hold of us earlier in the day to tell us we didn't have to come because the weather was so bad.  I told her that would have been nice to know that we could have handled it over the phone since this was the fourth time we had taken off work to be there.  She snapped back that I wasn't listening.  She didn't say we didn't have to come, just that she could have rescheduled it.   Her whole attitude was that anyone who comes into that building is guilty and low life scum, because I’m sure that is a majority of what she deals with.  By the time we left the building I was bawling and Layne was frustrated that I hadn't kept my mouth shut.  I was a total mess.  I called LarRene bawling to tell her how upset I was.  She was wonderful to listen to me and by the time we were done talking I was composed enough to go and get some groceries.

When I got home that night Layne and I walked out to the new house to check on the progress.  I could tell that he was bugged.  I asked if he was mad at me.  He told me he was mad at the situation and that he didn't know how to fix it.   I told him that I thought he should give me a blessing and cast the devil out of me.  He told me he had already talked to his Dad about it.  And he told me he knew I didn't have control of my emotions but the he felt helpless too. 

Later that night his Dad came over and they gave me a blessing.  Layne blessed me that my body would be cleansed and healed and that I would be able to have another baby and be a mother in Zion.  He told me that I had been a blessing and a joy that had come into their home and that I was loved by our family and our Heavenly Father.  By this time we were both crying.  After the blessing Layne told me that those words were not his.  I’m so grateful to have a worthy priesthood holder to turn to for blessings of comfort and healing. 

Ever since then my emotions have been much better and I feel much more in control.  I’m still waiting for “nature to take its course” and I’m nervous but anxious to get it over with.  

I didn't know what to expect with the miscarriage.  One of my sister's told me that her miscarriage was as painful as labor.  So I was kind of scared.  The day it happened I was at my dad's house.  I started cramping pretty badly.  My dad was so worried about me, I felt bad he had to watch me go through it.  I just had to stretch out on the recliner and ride it out.  Finally I felt like a water balloon in my stomach popped.  There was quite a bit of bleeding, but the the cramping stopped.  I had survived it.  I still had intermittent bleeding for the next couple of months.  Finally the doctor decided that I would need to have a D&C to clean out the uterus.  

After a few months we started trying again.  We jumped through all the hoops.  Because of my age I would be considered a high risk pregnancy.  So the doctor put me on progesterone to help stimulate the ovaries.  We did the ovulation tests and every month we were disappointed when nothing happened.  Based on my age, we didn't really have time to wait it out.  So in September we scheduled an appointment to see the doctor and see if there were any other options.  Layne decided to go with me to see if there was anything on his end of things that needed to be tested.  Ironically on the morning of our appointment I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!  We went to the appointment anyway and had them do another test.   They told me to keep taking the progesterone to help maintain the levels necessary to keep the pregnancy.  About a month later it was time to refill the prescription, but my pregnancy symptoms had decreased again, just like the first time.  So I went in and took a blood test.  Once again, my levels were decreasing.  So both pregnancies never got past 8 weeks.  I never got to hear a heartbeat.  I never got to make a fun announcement to my family.  Just bad news, after the fact.  It was quite discouraging.  We decided this time to just have a D&C from the beginning to avoid all the bleeding.  

Layne and the kids were really good to me through all of it.  They felt bad that I wasn't getting the opportunity to have a baby.  After this miscarriage I had some more tests done to see if there were any other reasons why I couldn't carry a pregnancy.  I asked the doctor if doing invitro fertilization or any other fertility treatments would be worth the tremendous costs.  He talked to a fertility specialists and gave him my estrogen levels.  He said there was only a 25% chance of conceiving with the help of invitro.  At a price tag of $10,000 with no guarantee of a pregnancy, we decided not to take the chance and put ourselves through the stress of it all.  

We considered adoption.  And I even went to an adoption meeting the the church's social service department.  I asked them to be honest.  How good were the chances that someone would choose a couple over the age of forty who already had three kids?  They admitted that the likelihood was low.  I just couldn't bear the thought of having to "sell" myself to a potential birth mother and say "pick me, pick me."  And I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment.  

So we closed the door on the possibility that we would have anymore children.  I had a good cry over it and feel that it was the right decision.  I am sure that in heaven if I was told, you won't have any of your own, but you will be able to help raise this three great kids, I must have said, "That is more than I could ask for."  

So even though there are some days, when we look at a child that is the same age ours would be and have a moment of sadness, that is okay.  We know that we will be given the opportunity to raise those children in the next life.  And that is good enough for me.